I decided to choose love, because of love, but quickly realized that because of the choice I had made to live, I now had to keep going. That felt like an elephant sitting on top of my chest. My heart was beating, my breath continued to come in and out of me, despite me. So, the question was, how to get to the next moment without falling apart? How to run a business that was just weeks old? To ever have an enthusiasm for life and it’s wonders. How to find sleep that so eluded me. To figure out a way to be able to close my eyes again without sheer panic, loss and fear. How to ever care about anything. Most importantly how to live without a love that was so magnificent, so beautiful and so complete. The mere thought of surviving right now, without it, without him, left me in a puddle of tears.
As with most overwhelming challenges I have and will continue to face, I needed to visualize it and create a plan to do something. Small actions always help. I knew that, because that tactic had served me well throughout my entire life up until this point. But what possible action could be taken in this situation? I have a future that I preferred and quite honestly chose not to look at because it was scary, sad and filled with the unknown. I couldn’t change the past. It happened and it sucked more than any single thing that I could have ever even dreamed up in a nightmare. I decided to, for right now, to focus on the love I felt in that moment of choice and the love that lingered into the now. And then I knew in a way I have never known anything else, that this was how I would survive. Gratitude for a love that would sustain me if I could manage to give it away. Our love wouldn’t end, It would continue on by giving my life greater meaning.
Without a past to go back to (I know someday the past will be a bliss filled memory of an amazing love, but not today) or a future to dream of (knowing I will dream again, just not today) this reality on the NOW, was an AMAZING gift
NOW was all I had.
The simple, gentle, kind and loving now.
This is where I began….
I listened to podcasts.
I went to workshops.
I walked in nature.
I cried endlessly.
I watched videos.
I couldn’t sleep – so I spent hours with earbuds and a phone that became my constant companion.
Anything I could get my hands on, about living in the present moment. Hours, days and months passed. I was tortured and searching. I needed to find a way to ease the pain. To make sense out of the madness. It was like spinning on an emotional top that I could not stop, nor could I get off.
There was no option but to keep looking for something to save me.
On a very ordinary day during a silent meditation, there was a moment that that felt like a shift in the universe. A knowing.
This death had taught me about true love, and it had also taught me about gratitude for the now, in a way that couldn’t be learned from these books, videos and recordings that I was reaching for so desperately to save me.
I realized that I had everything that I needed. It was inside of me all along and I had to save myself, one minute at a time. Just do now.
People say that you can’t live in fear that you will die, it’s morbid and unrealistic. I know that you MUST live as though you will die, because you will..and you are, we all are. The greatest gift you can give yourself and those you love, is to experience each minute as though it were your last.
Fill it with love. Always choose love.
Could making this a part of your daily practice serve you in anyway? Is there a place in your life where you struggle with a fear because of the past or perhaps the unknown abyss of the future? Try it today. Whatever your challenge is. I hope that if only for one moment today – you can be gentle with yourself in the now.
Gratitude for the present moment to never be taken for granted and to always choose love.