You Are Beautiful ~ Thank you.
Just two simple words – thank you. It’s taken a lot of time and deep work to say that and mean it. It doesn’t come naturally to me, but it has begun to roll off my tongue with a smile.
Being raised by a loving mother who passed her experience onto me, I learned very quickly to apologize for myself. To apologize for everything. I was always sorry. I spent almost a lifetime doing, thinking, worrying, and being what I believed I needed to be in the world in which I existed.
I had come into this world with a sense of my spirit, as we all do. Then I adapted in order to be someone I perceived would be accepted and loved – mother, wife. sister, aunt, friend, employee, and more. I must tell you that I have failed miserably at times in all the roles. I waffled between wanting something that my spirit was calling me towards and being sorry for everything else. At times, I actually believed if I was sorry enough, I would be okay. Much of the disappointment and anger I experienced with others and myself was fueled by fear, uncertainty, my ego, and the need to be right. I was fighting a battle that would not be won. It could not be won. It will never be won.
At other times, I also had much success in these same roles and I would often find my footing. My connection was rooted deeply in love. Designed with the deep listening of my higher self. This was the place that I longed for. It was where I felt complete and beautiful. And so I continued to be curious and continued to be sorry.
After a loss that shook my life to its very core, I saw my world through a different lens. I truly understood the power of the present moment, no longer taking love for granted. This shift set me on a journey for which I am eternally grateful and will continue to walk, until my last breath. I find myself at times leaning into what is comfortable for me, and yet still trying to be what others need. I continue to learn and grow, fail epically and love deeply.
This process has been fraught with humility, pain, loss, deep joy, indescribable happiness, and so much love.
Throughout, I longed to remove the mask of needing to be something. Of needing to apologize. One step forward and two steps backward.
There is a place in all of us, where authenticity evokes beauty. Connectedness to Self is stunning. Where our voices matter and love heals. A place where I no longer need to be sorry. To be home. Home is beautiful. I refer to it, not in the physical sense, but in a spiritual place.
Forgiving my wonderful mother for the messages she taught. She too was given them as a child and did the best she could with so much love in her heart. Forgiving and loving others for judging me when I was not the best version of myself. And most importantly, forgiving myself. For the time it took to be here. For denying my spirit by not understanding how much love is available to guide us. If only we listen deeply. To ourselves, to others, and to Source.
Today, I know one thing for sure. This is my life, a journey of surrender, and growth. Humility and love. Serving and being served. Accepting and being accepted. I know when I choose love I am home and I am beautiful. Thank you!