It took a lot of bravery to get here.
I’d like to offer you a virtual hug and to tell you that you are not alone. But I also know that you may not be able to hear that right now or believe it.
And that’s okay.
Because if you are here – there is a longing that exists inside of you that wants and needs to find your way to a new normal.
You realize, in your rational mind, that you can’t go back to the time before they died.
You can only move forward from this very moment.
You’ve taken the most important first step. By searching for how to do that. It may feel scary or hard right now, but please know that you will be stepping onto an incredible journey of love and self- discovery, all because of your grief.
Your soul wants to survive this debilitating pain and I can tell you from incredible first-hand experience, that there is a way through, to a place that is filled with compassion and love.
I will never forget
Denial was the strongest of emotions that I felt in every cell of my being the day he died and time stopped. I had a strong tie to the others too – anger, depression, and bargaining. They gave me these labels, the counselors and facilitators of grief support groups that I reluctantly went to, to try and help me put words to my emotions. I could relate to them all in some way, but what good did that do me?
I was angry that he died, I was depressed and bargained with God – or anyone that would listen, to please bring him back. Yes, I was your typical grief-stricken human that would do anything for one more minute. None of that got me anywhere, but deeper into the depths of a pain that permeated every cell in my body. A very dark fog had settled over my part of the world. I couldn’t see, hear or feel anything clearly anymore.
I couldn’t breathe.
My brain didn’t work right anymore. Nothing was right. I believed, that it never would be.
The one label that was on the list that I knew I would never ever resonate with was acceptance. That was never happening, not ever, nor did I want it to. I know now, that everyone was trying to help me, because I was slowly losing touch with reality and the people who loved me could see that.
I knew that no one would ever be able to understand.
This experience was ours and I could no longer live in a world when Rick was dead.
I can still bring to mind how much the blue sky hurt my eyes when I looked at it on the ride home from the hospital, and for many months afterward. My mind could not comprehend the journey I was about to embark upon because if he was dead, I wanted to be dead too.
So, I won’t ever pretend to understand your experience, because I can’t.
But I can tell you that something amazing happened in the darkest of hours when grief consumed my body, my mind and spirit.
Something I couldn’t have believed. Living no longer mattered to me and any energy I had, was focused on formulating my own death.
But I am here – writing to you.
I didn’t die.
I found a way through and I do understand how dark the darkness is. I can still feel the pain of grief as it wraps itself around my body and makes it hard to breathe.
Love saved me.
Embracing my grief saved me.
You may think it sounds naïve or unrealistic, but love is the most powerful of emotions we have in this human experience.
Love saved my life and it can save you too.
Because of love, I made my way back and I invite you to allow me to show you the way back.
It will never be the same for you either, and you need not know how. Once you embark on this journey, the power in the process will take over. Your job is to be willing, to open your heart and to trust in a power greater than you that exists inside of you.
I can’t promise that you will not grieve for the rest of your life, because you will, I know that I will.
Grief becomes our lifelong companion, but through the lens of love, grief provides me daily gifts and an awareness that would never have entered my life and for that – I am eternally grateful.
In honor of my love, my Rick, my heart is filled with passion to help you find your way through and back to a new normal filled with love. As I walk forward, allow me to take your hand and move away from the darkness.
If anything I have written resonates with you, and you are curious about what the next step might be, please contact me and we can set up a discovery call. Please know that your search toward healing must be based on what feels good to you. I would be honored to walk this journey with you, holding your story in the space of confidence, with guidance and nurturing support.