As I write my first entry, thank you. For taking the time. The past year has had more lessons for me, than any other single time in my life. It has changed who I am, how I think, and what I know. As it relates to my life, the people I love, and my business.
I hope this can find its way and resonate with even one person. That the Universe will connect the right reader with the messages I hope to convey. I know that this process will be therapeutic for me and until now, I have not been able to put pen to paper. With an anniversary looming, in the past few weeks, I felt the inspiration to begin writing.
A year ago yesterday, My Person very suddenly transitioned to the non-physical, while I held him. The awareness that this experience will never, ever leave me, as long as I have a mind that functions, and perhaps even after that, overwhelms me at times. As the memory of that morning that we shared will be locked away in time. I was left with a heart so broken and a Self that was no longer interested in breathing. We had existed in a space of such grateful joy and love, in our bubble, and we were protected from all that was the world. Now, I was in the bubble alone, or so I thought.
The days and months that followed, found me in a state of acute grief. A place that was profound, dark & painful. Still attempting to give of myself to those around me, I put on a mask and mostly I tried to ease their worry and their pain. Managing to do better at it some days, more than others. With a family that loved me so much, a business that was just six weeks old, no income, two homes to support and the day to day reality of life, I had nothing but a desire to stay in bed or better yet, be dead. The days were a blur. As time went on, I had secretly made plans to stop living, once everyone finally went home and I was alone in my space. I had to stop hurting. I fantasized about how wonderful it would be to not feel the pain and the loss of my love. But to be with him again! I had to do something and I didn’t see any other options. I am a doer and I needed to take action. I really didn’t want any other options.
In that incredibly powerful point in space and time, when I was ready, I was overcome with what was love, not fear, which is what I had anticipated. It was bigger than me. So much bigger. I FELT love. I was very confused and even a little angry. I didn’t know what any of it meant at the time. I had no idea where it came from or why the shift. This wasn’t what I had planned. I was still heartbroken, angry, unable to understand anything, and didn’t really care either. But what I did know was that in my deepest inner being, I was overwhelmed by a sense that there was more to this story and that I needed to stick around if only for another day. I had no concept of what the journey ahead had in store and to be honest, I really didn’t care. Making the choice to live was exhausting and enough for that day.
One day turned into two and in that one decision to keep breathing and to love, unbeknownst to me I had also let go. I had gone to a place that changed me but I didn’t know it just yet.
It’s a cliché, that we hear so often about the need to let go, but life has a way of teaching you these lessons in ways you could not fathom.
To be completely vulnerable and broken wide open on every level.
My new story began at that moment. In that one chooses to live and to let go.
In that very dark, empty, broken space that was my heart, I began again.
I want to offer you many of my lessons and experiences I’ve had this year, in the coming months. I hope you’ll join me and that someone, somewhere may find a little bit of comfort, support, and encouragement from my story.